Useless Superpowers is a segment in which Lars and Joe deliberate, usually with a guest, on what they would like their "useless superpowers" to be.

History/explanation Edit

Unlike many other early segments of the show, asking guests what their useless superpower would be has been a very long-standing tradition that has stood the test of time.

An easy explanation for its staying power is the combination of its lighthearted nature and its simplicity in answering. It only takes a few moments for an average person to produce an appropriately amusing answer. Thus, the segment has become a gift that keeps on giving.

Criteria Edit

The criteria for choosing a Useless Superpower is that it is allowed to be marginally useful. In other words, it may benefit the life of the host very slightly, but not to any life changing degree. If it has no use at all, it wouldn't be a power, of course.

In later episodes, the hosts have requested that the guest (or themselves) only choose a power that they cannot already do. For example, the ability to memorize obscure and trivial Bible information would not count as an answer, since this is already physically possible for anyone with the time and drive for it.

Some of the powers discussed on the show Edit

  • The ability to generate five dollars a day
  • The ability to dispense any condiment he wishes out of his mouth or penis
  • The ability to flip a coin, in which heads would give one fifty more fans, and tails would end one's career
  • The ability to instantly learn any dead language
  • The ability to lay a chicken egg out of one's butt
  • The ability to parallel park, but not very well
  • The ability to understand all languages extremely poorly
  • Instant hair loss
  • The ability for one's music to receive a single free listen per day on Spotify
  • Inherent knowledge of TeeKlef's spring release schedule
  • The ability to secrete molten lava out of one's head
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